LOOKING FOR A CURE FOR KINK
I’m kinky, I can’t help it. I’m starting to think I can’t live without it and I’m not sure if I’m happy about that. I’ve been in great relationships with truly wonderful girls, the sex is great, but after a while it’s not enough and I lose interest.
Are all my relationships destined to fail?
I’m not even so sure I want to do kink with my girlfriend, I’m not sure I want my girlfriend to know these things about me, I’m quite shy and I definitely don’t want anyone doing anything crazy just to please me.
Is there a cure for kink?
COME TO TERMS WITH BEING KINKY
Wow, there is a lot to unpack in this question, so I’m going to take it one part at a time.
First, it’s good that you’ve recognized this about yourself. Coming to terms with being kinky can be hard for a lot of people, so just admitting it to yourself is a good first step.
Now, if you’re unhappy about being kinky, that can be problematic. Why are you unhappy about it? Do you feel alone in your desires? Do you think that your kinks are so far out that no one could possibly share them? Or do you feel that healthy people aren’t into kink (since you’re asking for a cure for kink)? You don’t give me much to go off of for this part of the question, so I’m going to talk about some of the most common sources of unhappiness that I’ve seen.
MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK
Many people think that their kink is really extreme, and no one could possibly understand it or be into the same thing. Often, when I get people to open up and tell me what they’re into, it turns out to be pretty mild within the BDSM world. It’s easy to reassure these folks that their desires are pretty normal among a subset of people that are considered to be around 20% of the population. While numbers vary greatly, with movies/book like 50 Shades of Grey in the mainstream, it’s not surprising that huge numbers of people have at least tried some sort of BDSM activity.
On a side note, check out my video series which that talks about how to turn scenes from 50 Shades of Grey from fantasy into reality.
Sometimes though, people do have some pretty niche kinks that are considered less common, even within the realm of the BDSM community. All is not lost for them, they just might have a bit of a harder time finding someone who is into the same things. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that if you’re into something, you aren’t alone in it! Someone else is always into the same thing – or you can find an open-minded partner who enjoys your kink for the power it gives them or the feeling of service, for example.One thing I’ve learned over the years is that if you’re into something, a #kink or #fetish, you aren’t alone in it! Someone else is always into the same thing! #BDSM #KinkyWisdom Click To Tweet
KINKY PEOPLE AND MENTAL HEALTH
Now, a lot of the time, people have grown up with so much shame around sexuality in general, that the idea of having a fetish makes them feel unhealthy. These are often the people we see seeking a cure for kink. Studies have shown that kinky people tend to have better overall mental health and are happier than their vanilla counterparts. I would assume that these things only apply to people who are at peace with their BDSM proclivities, not ones looking for a cure for kink though.
SHAME AND FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Shame is a pretty awful thing to feel, and feeling shame over a part of you that you can’t control is difficult since you can’t really “fix” it.
I do know that if you just try to ignore your urges, they will build and build, slowly taking on a life of their own. It’s like when you’re on a diet, not allowed to have any cake. You may not normally crave cake, but the moment it’s denied to you, even though you’re the one doing the denying, all you want to do is eat cake. Kink is much the same if you turn it into “forbidden fruit” it becomes more and more irresistible.
Now that’s not to say that you should just indulge in your kink without regard for anything else. If kink is having a negative impact on your life, if you are engaging in risky behaviours because of kink or you are unable to control your urges to the point you are concerned about doing non-consensual things, you do need to address this. You may need to talk to a mental health professional, preferably one who is kink-aware, to get control of yourself. While this is likely not a cure for kink, they may be able to help you develop coping strategies to deal with your desires in a more positive way.
INCLUDE KINK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
If kink is that important to you, or you find yourself bored with vanilla sex then it may be time to look at including kink in your relationships. For me, it’s the logical step.
Many people have healthy, loving relationships that include BDSM in one way or another. Some people engage in bedroom only style play, where their kink is only sexual. Others have D/s relationships that extend out of the bedroom, from short periods of time to 24/7. That’s not to say that these people never engage in ‘vanilla’ sex, but that BDSM is complementary to it.
Now, the way to ensure that your partner isn’t just ‘playing along’ to make you happy is to choose partners who are also kinky and compatible with your needs. If you are dominant, you chose a submissive partner. If you have a foot fetish, you choose a partner who likes having their feet played with.
Sometimes, you may not be able to find someone who is into all of the things you enjoy. You can keep looking, have an open relationship or accept that you may not have that kink fulfilled or that they may indulge it, while not really loving it. This is a common thing in kinky relationships, and there may be a tit-for-tat situation if each partner has kinks that the other(s) don’t. This isn’t a horrible thing, it’s a compromise, something that all relationships require.No, I don’t know of a cure for kink. I do know that having relationships that involve BDSM can be fulfilling and bring great joy to a person’s life – it certainly does for me. Click To Tweet
So no, all of your relationships aren’t doomed to fail. No, I don’t know of a cure for kink. I do know that having relationships that involve BDSM can be fulfilling and bring great joy to a person’s life – it certainly does for me. You do need to do the work to come to terms with your desires so that you don’t project the negative feelings you currently have around kink onto the person who helps you act our your fantasies.
Happy, healthy relationships take work.