I’m just starting to explore my dom/kinky side (and have done a little experimentation over sexting/cybering) and would love to reach out to fellow newbies (or experts) in my area to learn/experiment together or even just have fun, talk, and hang out.
What’s the best way to go about this? Should I get more established in the community by posting on sites like Fetlife and/or should I post in the groups that allow “personal ads”?
Exploring Kink
It can be hard to meet people you’re interested in dating/playing with, whether you’re vanilla or kinky. Kink ads extra dimensions, making it hard to find that perfect someone – even harder when you’re brand new!
Online
Sites like Fetlife are great for talking to others, learning about kink in general and, most importantly to me, learning about local events. The important thing to remember is that while Fetlife can be an awesome resource, it is NOT a kinky dating site.
Online, I would suggest joining groups dedicated to new folks. Join in the discussions, ask questions and learn about the things you’re interested in. It’s a great place to learn about kink relationship dynamics and to find out what you’re into.
In Meat Space
I highly recommend using the ‘events’ tab to find out what’s going on in your local community. The first things you should look for are munches and workshops.
Munches are vanilla gatherings of kinky people. While it’s not a kinky dating meat market, it is a good place to meet other kinksters – some of whom you may be interested in playing with. Find a munch that suits you – TNG munches for the younger crowd, for example. Don’t expect to see any play, it’s a vanilla affair. Talk to everyone, not just those who tick your kinky dating checklist. You will meet couples, singles, people in poly arrangements, all sorts of people attend munches. Other dominants can help you with skills or advice, submissives of any gender may have friends you’re interested in and can often offer new dominants great advice, so don’t discount them either!
Workshops are where you can learn the specific skills that you want to use. Skilled dominants rarely have to look for play partners, they tend to get a lot of attention. Even if you think you know how to do something, consider taking a class – you may find that you didn’t know as much as you thought. Make sure you’re familiar with concepts like warmups, frenzy, aftercare, limits and basic safety. There are many workshops that focus on relationship dynamics too, which can also help in your kinky dating journey.
I will also take this opportunity to plug my recent book, Exploring BDSM. It’s a workbook style book that allows you to check out different aspects of kink as a couple or a single person. It encourages you to really think about your fantasies, what you want to do and may even give you a few ideas you hadn’t thought of before.
While online dating can work, I think when it comes to kinky dating, it’s best to get out into the community. Just understand that you probably aren’t going to be instantly popular – it takes a few events for people to start recognizing you. Many people come out once, don’t get quick sex and never come back, so if people are a little standoffish at first, this may be why.
Once you become a familiar face, you can get invites to play parties. Don’t be shy about asking people to play, but don’t be pushy either. A ‘no’ should be respected and accepted with grace. Negotiate thoroughly and make sure you abide by your agreed upon limits. Understand that not all BDSM play involves sex or sexual contact.
Good luck!