I am a submissive woman who seeks a Dominant man, so I posted a profile and an ad on a popular website.
I received a message from a Dominant who sounds ideal for me. He told me upfront that he is married. That he and his wife have an agreement that as long as he doesn’t “bring it home,” she turns a blind eye to his extramarital activities. He said that when he goes out to be with another woman, he tells his wife that he “has a meeting,” . Although it sounds silly, he says it works for them.
How I might verify this? Is this normal in BDSM relationships?
BDSM, cheating and verifying polyamory / open relationships
Realistically, in this situation, you can’t. Generally, when it comes to polyamory in BDSM communities, people are pretty upfront about it and don’t mind if you verify things with their partner.
If he claims that his wife turns a blind eye to his extramarital affairs, what he’s saying is that she tolerates his cheating.
Cheating is looked down on in pretty much any culture or sub-culture, but especially so in BDSM. In our community, there is a strong emphasis on trust and consent. In kink groups, cheating isn’t just frowned on, it’s generally met with a fair bit of hostility.
Red Flags for Cheating
Let’s look a little closer at this man’s claim. He says that his wife ignores his dalliances with other women. He says that he tells his wife that he is “at a meeting” when he goes out to meet women.
Now there are some couples who have an open relationship with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Generally, this applies to the details of the dates. In most cases of healthy, open relationships (or in polyamorous ones), the primary couple will be honest with each other about going on a date. There will always be some relationships where this doesn’t apply – and they can be healthy ones too – but it’s a rarity.
If the wife is choosing to ignore his affairs but not have a poly or open arrangement, you should ask why? If she was really on board with having an open relationship, he wouldn’t have to hide his dates and sneak around like a common cheater. Is she afraid that if she speaks up, then he will leave? Possibly leaving her without income or with children to raise? Does she tolerate his cheating because she is afraid to confront him? Is she embarrassed by his actions and hopes to minimize her humiliation by ignoring it?
Open relationships and polyamory in BDSM
Polyamory and open relationships are fairly common in the BDSM community. They seem much more common than in the regular vanilla world. People who are open and honest about their sexual desires, tend to be open and honest about their desire for multiple partners too. That’s not to say that vanilla people aren’t open and honest, but that it’s sort of a requirement for BDSM.
There are no solid numbers that I’m aware of, but I would guess that at least 40-50% of the people I’ve met at various clubs, parties and other events engage in polyamory in BDSM sub-culture (or have multiple partners of some sort). The number could easily be higher/lower than that in some areas and depending on what your personal definition of poly or mono relationships are.
It’s not unusual to see a couple come out to a party, play with other people – up to and including sexual activity – then go home together. Kinky couples will have ‘play dates’ with people who aren’t their primary partners, with the full knowledge of their spouse. While it’s not common, triads (three people in a relationship with each other) can be found as well as closed poly groups. There is some cross-over between the BDSM community and the swinger community. Emphasising sex with others, but not relationships.
Honesty is key to BDSM relationships
The key to all of this is honesty and trust. The couple has negotiated what is acceptable for them and what would constitute cheating. Polyamory in BDSM (or open relationships) can take many shapes.
Some partners are permitted to have relationships where they are dominant or submissive, to satisfy switch tendencies that their primary partner doesn’t share. Other people are permitted to have play relationships that don’t involve sex or sexual activity. There are others who engage in polyamory in BDSM by having multiple relationships without restrictions.
The thing these different relationship styles have in common is that everyone is open and honest with each other. Just as the primary couple (if there is one) needs to be honest with each other and negotiate the terms of their relationship, they also need to do the same with any new person they wish to date.
Most often when it comes to polyamory in BDSM, couples will find play partners, dates or new lovers from within the community. In this way, it’s easy for the new person to verify that it’s ok because the other partner is at the same gathering. It is often known who is in a poly relationship and who is monogamous. Most partners are perfectly okay with being asked if it’s alright to date their spouse. They usually appreciate that you want to make sure everything is on the up and up. Some couples require this check-in, to ensure that everyone is on the same page.
Cheating is ignoring boundaries and limits
Getting back to the question, this dominant sounds as if he’s cheating, not in an open relationship. When it comes to polyamory in BDSM relationships (or vanilla relationships), both partners need to consent to it. If they don’t it’s cheating.
Why would you want to be involved with a dominant who ignores his wife’s boundaries? It should make you question whether he will ignore your boundaries and limits if they’re inconvenient too.
Even if he does have his wife’s permission, if he has to hide his activities, you will be treated like ‘the other woman’. So no calling him or texting him. Whispered conversations when he can find the time. Sudden hangups if his wife walks in the room. Cancelled dates if she objects to his ‘meeting’, etc. You get the picture. Is that really what you want in a relationship?
There are a lot of male dominants looking for female submissives, so you can afford to be picky. Even if the odds weren’t in your favour, I would encourage you to be picky! No one should ‘settle’ when it comes to relationships, it’s not fair to either party.
I also would encourage you to get out into the BDSM community. Meet lots of people, make new friends and hopefully find the dominant of your dreams.
You Have Questions; Morgan Has Answers!