In what will be the final Kinky Dating post for a while, we will discuss kinky dating scams and red flags. If you missed the other posts in the series, please check out Kinky Dating – Know Yourself, Creating a Kinky Profile, Creating a Kinky Personal Ad, Sending Kinky Messages, Kinky Dating Safety and Meeting Kinky People. There will be more posts in this series in the future but on an occasional basis instead of weekly.
KINKY DATING SCAMS
Sadly, there are scams to look out for in kinky dating. Not everyone is a good person just looking for some BDSM fun. The types of kinky dating scams you are most likely to see will depend on your role and gender. Scams for money are fairly common and easy to spot. Scams for sexual content like pictures or videos can victimise a variety of people.
MONEY SCAMS
Submissive men looking for dominant women will see money scams in their search. This happens most online. There are a few ways this scam plays out but the end result is a sub with a lighter wallet. I want to stress that these are not Pro Dommes or Fin Dommes, both of whom will be very upfront about the need for money.
PAID TRAINING
The first kinky dating scam involves a dominant charging a fee to a submissive for ‘training’. There is often a promise of a relationship or help in finding a relationship after the training. The ‘dominant’ does not advertise as a professional although they do claim to be a lifestyle player. They will claim that the training fee is to weed out ‘fakers’ and may have a sob story relating to this. Of course, you finish ‘training’ with no relationship. If you’re looking to pay for play, hire a professional to get a session you will enjoy. Learn to recognise these scammers and avoid them!
THE PAYSITE
Next up is the paysite. You meet a wonderful person online and they say all the right things. They desperately want to continue the conversation however, you need to join their site to show you’re serious. In this kinky dating scam, the website your new friend wants you to join requires a credit card to sign up. In addition, each message costs money! As a result, you may never figure out if you were talking to a real person getting a kickback for sign-ups or a clever bot designed to fool the lonely.
BUYING TOYS
Finally, there is the toy scam. This can work two different ways. The ‘dominant’ you meet online really wants to play with you, but she needs toys to do so. To show you’re serious about getting your kink on, you need to buy a list of toys from a specific site.
In one version of this kinky dating scam, you buy the toys and the person you were chatting with earns a commission. In addition, they disappear shortly after you place your order and the playdate never happens.
In a different version of this kinky dating scam, you purchase the toys thinking they are sent to the person you are talking to. In reality, the toys don’t exist and the scammer is sent cash instead.
PICTURE & VIDEO SCAMS
Some kinky dating scammers aren’t after your cash, but they still want to abuse your trusting nature. While men are often the victims of money scams, women tend to be the targets of picture and video scams.
It starts out with the promise of an online relationship or maybe more. The scammer wants you to show how obedient you are on cam. They order you to take off your clothes and do sexual and degrading things, while never turning their own camera on. The scammer is secretly recording the show or taking screenshots the whole time.
Your pictures or video are used as blackmail, especially if you’ve given personal information to the scammer. They may also end up on various free porn sites, where the scammers earn money for referrals advertising (pay porn websites require paperwork on models).
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RED FLAGS
Let’s take a look at a list of common red flags that you may come across in the BDSM world. Not all of these indicate a scam, some are signs of potential abusers and other problematic people or situations. Don’t forget that these red flags can apply to anyone no matter what their role or gender identity. While you may find it hard to believe, submissives can be abusive just like dominants.
22 KINKY DATING RED FLAGS TO LOOK OUT FOR
- Demands of money or gifts
- Leading with kink
- The first message is demanding submission and giving orders
- The first message is a list of what they want to have done to them
- When you reveal personal information, they refuse to do the same (within reason)
Refusal to meet in public- Gets angry when you ask personal questions
- Gives inconsistent information, can’t keep their story straight
- Claim of training/serving at a ‘prestigious European BDSM house’
- Claims years of experience they can’t have (a 20-year-old with 10 years experience, etc)
- Is only able to communicate during certain times, disappears suddenly during conversations
- Offers extreme criticisms of the BDSM community or claims to be persecuted by them
- Cancel plans to meet last minute or has excuses why they can’t meet
- Blames others for problems or does not take responsibility for mistakes
- Pressures you into doing things you don’t want to
- Ridicules hard limits or tries to negotiate away hard limits
- Ignores safe words or a clearly stated ‘no’
- Expects power exchange without establishing a relationship or negotiating
- Doesn’t want you to talk to others about kink or learn about BDSM from other sources
- Claims you aren’t a ‘true’ sub or a ‘true’ dom
- Lies to you or refuses to tell you important information
- Breaks promises, cheats on you and is unreliable
- Wild mood swings, clingy or needy behaviour, falls in love too quickly
- Threatens suicide or self-harm if you leave or don’t do what they want
Finally, remember to use common sense. Kinky dating isn’t that much different than vanilla dating, so don’t get lost in the fantasy aspect!
Thanks for this awesome summary of scams. I had a hard time figuring out the payoff for the paid site scam until I saw this. A new one I am seeing now is more of a tinder age/background check verification scam. Where a site will claim to not charge you but need a credit card to make sure you are real and not a bad person. The chat will seem (often on text) very good and very responsive, but it is actually a bot setting you up to pay and the fine print is there are a bunch of extra charges after the 2 day free period OR it is identity theft.