SENDING KINKY MESSAGES

Welcome to the next instalment of Kinky Dating, in this article we will look at sending kinky messages. If you’ve missed the other instalments, check out Know Yourself, Creating a Kinky Profile and Creating a Kinky Personal Ad.

Much like creating an effective personal ad, sending kinky messages have a list of do’s and do not’s that you should follow. There are some aspects that overlap with the ‘rules’ of creating your personal ad. Again, I will break it down into individual sections and provide a quick reference list.

NARROW FOCUS, NO SCATTER GUNS

Before you send kinky messages, you should be asking yourself, “does this person want to be messaged?” and most importantly, “does this person want to be messaged by me?”

While dating is sometimes described as a numbers game, you shouldn’t be spamming messages to random people. Having a generic ‘copy and paste’ message that you send to every profile that has an “F” or a “submissive” label on it will get you blocked, not a date.

If you’re browsing profiles, take a look at who the person is and who they are looking to meet. Most people will have some indicator of who they are looking to interact with. Some may be vague, others more detailed. If you don’t meet these criteria, it’s best just to move on – you’re not what they’re looking for.

I hate that I have to point this out, but if a profile has a heading like “Dominant” don’t send messages saying that they are secretly submissive and should get on their knees for you. Similarly, lesbians aren’t going to be interested in male-identified people for dating.

By making sure that the person you are sending kinky messages to want to receive them, you will save yourself a lot of time and frustration, as well as raising your chances of success.

READ PROFILES

This is an extension of the above advice, but it is important to read through the entire profile. The person took the time to write it, they obviously feel that the information it contains is important.

By reading the profile, you will get a good sense of the person and whether you might make a good match. If you hate politics, but the profile you’re reading is political in nature, you might not get along. If you love the outdoors and the profile indicates that they are more of a homebody, you may not be a good match. By paying attention to the details of the profile you can sort out who might be right for you.

You also find things to talk about in your first few kinky messages. If they like reading, asking about who their favourite authors are, and talking about your own love of books is a good icebreaker. Use the information in the profile to begin a conversation.

Some women, because of the number of messages they get on dating sites, will also include something to ensure you’ve read their whole profile. It could be something as simple as indicating a specific subject line for a message, or they may have more elaborate needs when it comes to contacting them.

If you think these requests are too much and you don’t want to follow them, don’t message that person. You are under no obligation to follow their request, but don’t waste your time writing a message that won’t be answered because you didn’t.

PEOPLE FIRST, NOT KINK

Similar to not leading with your kink in a personal ad, when sending kinky messages, you don’t actually want to include a list of your kinks.

Sending someone a detailed fantasy as a first message is a great way to get ignored or blocked. If you saw the person in the street, would you walk up and start describing your fantasy, or what you would like to do to them/have done to you? Be respectful in your messages and don’t send fap fodder.

Including that laundry list of kinks isn’t a good idea either. If the person you’re talking to is on a kinky dating site, they already know you’re into BDSM. If not, you can mention it, but don’t make it the focus of your message. If they want to know your specific kinks, they will ask (or look at your profile).

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MORE THAN “HI”

When you send kinky messages, make sure it’s more than just “hi” or “what’s up?” Take the time to write a proper message and show that you are interested in who the person is. When you send messages that are only a few words long, you give the impression that you expect them to carry the conversation that you started.

INTRODUCE YOURSELF

Kinky messages should be an introduction to who you are so that the person you’re messaging can decide if they want to reply. Tell them something interesting about you, give them a reason to respond to you. By talking about your interests and hobbies, you can find common ground for a conversation that will flow naturally, not be forced.

Your kinky message should make the person want to read your profile (so don’t just copy your profile into the message!) and respond to you. By giving them a good introduction to who you are and highlighting things that you have in common, you will increase your chances of a reply.

ACCEPT REJECTION GRACEFULLY

Understand that not every person you send a message to is going to be into you. Understand as well that internet culture makes it uncomfortable, time-consuming or otherwise unpleasant to respond to people that you’re not interested in. No response is a rejection, take it as one and accept it gracefully.

If someone does respond with a “no thank you” or “not interested”, accept this. It is not an invitation to argue, negotiate, beg or insult. It is best not to respond to these messages, but if you really, really want to “thanks for your answer, good luck :)” is the only appropriate response.

While it may be tempting, don’t ask why the person isn’t interested. You may not like the answer you get and it is not their obligation to give you a critique of your profile or message. Accept the rejection and move on.

DON’T BE CRASS

It shouldn’t have to be said, but it happens way too often. Your kinky message should not be crude or crass. It should not sound like a bad porn and you should not be making demands of a person you don’t know.

“Get on your knees, bitch” is a terrible, and sadly common, first message. Don’t be that person. Don’t send porn inspired messages, unless you already know the person and know that this is acceptable.

NO GENITAL PICS

If the messaging service allows you to send pictures, don’t send a pic of your genitals. A picture of genitals is something that should only be sent when requested. Sending kinky messages with pornographic or other explicit pictures is another way to get blocked and remain dateless.

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR

Just like your profile, kinky messages should be checked for spelling and grammatical errors. Avoid using text speak, since it generally annoys most people. If you’re writing in a language you’re not comfortable with, or just have a hard time with written communication, you may want to have a trusted friend read over your message before you send it.

It also doesn’t hurt to indicate that English isn’t your first language or that you have a learning disability. Most people will be much more forgiving of mistakes if you explain, and anyone put off by those things are not people you’re compatible with anyway.

In fact, if written communication isn’t your strong suit, for whatever reason, you may want to consider trying to meet people in real life (or meatspace) situations, rather than online. We will be discussing this next week.

THE LIST

Finally, here is our overall list of things to do and things not to do when sending kinky messages!

1. Only send messages to people who want to receive them.
2. Narrow your focus by reading profiles to find out if you may be compatible.
3. Don’t spam messages to just anyone, it’s obvious and annoying.
4. Be original when writing messages, take the time to customize it for each person.
5. Don’t copy and paste messages, again it’s obvious and most will get ignored.
6. Read the profile to get an idea of what to write. Choose common interests to spark a conversation.
7. Follow messaging requests or protocols detailed in profiles or don’t message.
8. Don’t lead with kink, talk about who you are as a person and what you’re looking for.
9. Don’t send detailed sexual fantasies, unless asked to.
10. Send an actual message, not just “hi” or “how r u?”
11. Introduce yourself and why you’re messaging, talk about who you are and what you found interesting about the person you’re sending the message to.
12. Accept rejection gracefully, no name calling, bargaining, questioning or abuse.
13. Don’t be crass or swear excessively.
14. Don’t send pictures of your genitals unless asked.
15. Always check your spelling and grammar.