Ask – Seperate Kink and sexual relationships

I have some issues with my sexuality and relationships. So far I’ve only had vanilla sex with people I’m dating and kinky sex solely with people I’m not dating. I’m in a kinky relationship with a man who is the same age as me. It’s mostly kitten play, BDSM, with some daddy kink involved. Most of our convos outside of sex have been through text and he’s very kind. Suddenly he’s interested in more than sex. I’m uncomfortable with this, but I don’t know if I should give it a chance or not?

Separate Kink and Romantic Relationships

separate kink and romantic relationships kinky dating bdsmThis is a tough one because the answer is going to be different for everyone. Some people prefer to separate kink and romantic relationships. Really, you’re the only one who can make the decision here – because you know what’s best for you!

Let’s go through some questions that may help you find the answer you need.

Kink vs Romantic?

Why have you separated kink and romantic relationships up until this point? I know some people find kink to be non-sexual, and so engage in kink with people that they aren’t in a romantic relationship with – or people that they wouldn’t normally consider

Non-Sexual/Non-Romantic Kink

Some people find kink to be non-sexual. They engage in kink with people that they aren’t in a romantic relationship with – or people that they wouldn’t normally consider for a romantic relationship on the basis of gender, age or other compatibility issues. Is this current, kinky partner outside of your preferences for a romantic relationship?

Negative Associations

separate kink and romantic relationships kinky dating bdsmDo you associate BDSM activities with shame in your mind or other emotions that might make you want to have separate kink and romantic relationships? Many people (myself included) grew up being told that sex is dirty or wrong. That early messaging carries on into our sexual/romantic relationships. It can be even harder to accept when your sexuality is entwined with BDSM. If that’s the case, you may want to work on ‘de-programming’ and accepting this part of yourself. Often it’s easier for us to be accepting of a trait in other people, while also being critical of ourselves for that same trait.

I’ve also seen some people who have internalized negative feelings around BDSM believe that a good kink partner won’t have the qualities that a good romantic partner will have. After all, how could a sadist who satisfies a person’s masochistic urges also be a kind and loving romantic partner? Of course, many of the traits that make a good romantic partner also make a good BDSM partner and vice versa. If we examine these internalized ideas we can see how wrong many of them are.

Romantic Spark?

separate kink and romantic relationships kinky dating bdsmWe all know that romance takes that intangible feeling – that spark. If you’re not feeling it with your kink partner, then you may not want to pursue a romantic relationship. It’s not unusual to engage in kink with people that we don’t feel that spark with, even engaging in sexual play. The BDSM provides the excitement that romantic attraction does in more vanilla encounters. If you’re not feeling it, there isn’t much you can do.

When you describe your kinky partner as ‘kind’ it says two things to me. First, you may not have expected his kindness (although it is usually an accepted trait of Daddy Doms and those into the human side of pet play), so I don’t think that’s it. Secondly, since that’s the only trait you mention of this partner, maybe you find him a little dull or boring outside of a kink context. I could be way off on that one since I only have a few lines of text to go by 🙂

Either way, I hope that you are happy in your relationships, whether you choose to have separate kink and romantic relationships or combine them!

Don’t forget to check out my new(ish) Youtube Channel to learn more about BDSM!

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