Ask – Submissive Activities?

Hi me and my girlfriend are into a ddlg and I like thing that are normally submissive (foot worship, being pissed on, pegging) but I doubt want to give up dominance could you help me figure out how to do these in a dominant way specifically pegging.

Submissive Activities?

submissive activities dominant activities advice on d/s relationshipsThere is an idea, a very common one, in BDSM that some activities are dominant and some are submissive activities. It’s really a shame that this idea is so widespread because it puts limits on what a person ‘should’ enjoy.

Many of these ideas stick to the ‘womanly’ activities are submissive fallacy. An activity like pegging gets stigmatized twice over, both for being ‘womanly’ and for being ‘gay’ (I will be a happier person when ‘womanly’ and ‘gay’ are no longer seen as negatives!).

I want to be clear that I don’t think that the person asking the question actively has these beliefs. These are the things that society tells us are true. Society’s rules are often subconscious, so we don’t see them until a situation like this arises.

It is important to understand that penetration is not a submissive activity.

This unconscious belief leads to dominant men avoiding an activity that they may enjoy. This belief is also responsible for the idea that dominant women don’t enjoy or want penetrative sex. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who think they can’t be dominant because they enjoy PIV sex.

Inherently humiliating?

submissive activities dominant activities advice on d/s relationshipsThis also leads us to question the other activities mentioned. Are they submissive activities because they’re humiliating? What makes something humiliating? The perception of it or the experience of those involved?

To me, humiliation is in the eye of the beholder. If I don’t experience an activity as humiliating, then it isn’t, for me. You may still find it to be humiliating, but unless you’re doing it with me, your opinion doesn’t really matter 🙂 

Give the ‘rules’ the middle finger

submissive activities dominant activities advice on d/s relationshipsThe first step to enjoying ‘submissive activities’ as a dominant is to flip off the rules that tell us one activity is submissive and another is dominant. We need to remember that it’s all in how we perceive an activity that makes it submissive or dominant – activities themselves are neutral.

For example, my submissive kneels in front of me. We regard this as a submissive action. I kneel while tying my standing submissive. Have we switched roles because I’m kneeling? Do I get to keep my dominant card because I’m tying?

Kneeling isn’t dominant or submissive, it’s just a thing we do sometimes. Context and intent change it from being neutral.

Context and intent

Now for the practical advice!

You are the dominant, so you’re in charge. If you want feet in your face, grab them, sniff them, lick them (or whatever it is you want to do with them). If you like pointed toes, order your submissive to point their toes for your pleasure. All with consent, of course!

You may find that until you get used to this new idea – that worshipping or playing with feet can be dominant – you want to tie your submissive. You may want to be above them and raise their feet to your level (instead of lowering yourself to the level of their feet). Tell them to wear specific shoes or pantyhose or anything else that will please you.

submissive activities dominant activities advice on d/s relationshipsYou can apply some of the same ideas to watersports. Position your submissive where you want them and order them to pee. Tickle them until they pee. Force feed them water and deny them the bathroom until they pee.

Of course, make sure you negotiate the above ideas before trying them (unless you have a CNC relationship).

With pegging, you don’t have to do the typical bent over position (unless you enjoy it). You can be on top if that helps you feel more dominant in the beginning – think cowgirl with the genders reversed. Any PIV position can be used for pegging.

You can also play with rewards and punishments. Most strap-on harnesses have a little pocket for a vibrator in the front. Use a remote vibe or one with a control box. Turn the vibrator on if your partner is doing what you want, turn it off if they aren’t following your directions properly. A riding crop or cane is also handy for reinforcing your commands.

Dominance is about authority

submissive activities dominant activities advice on d/s relationshipsRemember, dominance means you have the authority in the relationship. You can be dominant and a bottom, or a submissive and a top. The dominant person makes the decisions (within negotiated boundaries). Assigning domination or submission to activities is ingrained in us, but you can train yourself away from it.

Don’t miss out on things that you fantasize about just because they’re perceived as submissive activities. Retrain your mind to stop seeing things as dominant or submissive. Most of all, have fun!

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