Welcome to the second instalment of Kinky Dating – Creating Your Kinky Profile! If you missed part one, Kinky Dating – Know Yourself, you may want to check it out. Here in part two, we will discuss creating online kinky profiles for social networking and dating sites.

Creating your kinky profile

The internet has become such a part of our lives, so naturally, it can be an effective tool when it comes to kinky dating. However, it can be very easy to put the wrong foot forward when crafting a kinky profile, whether it’s on a dating website or one of the larger BDSM websites. Today we will go into detail looking at what you should be doing on your kinky profile and what you should pretty much never do if you hope to get a date.

First things first, you need to sign up for a website or ten so that you have a place to create your kinky profile. With all the choices out there, it can be hard to figure out which sites you should join. While I haven’t been a member of all of these sites, I did spend a lot of time talking to my friends in the BDSM scene to sort out which are the best ones to join and which ones are a waste of time.

Stick to the free sites!

I will say this; don’t bother with any of the pay sites. There are enough free sites out there that cater to the kinky dating crowd or that are accepting of us that you don’t need to spend money to meet people. Unless you are interested in relationships which specifically include money, such as sugar relationships or financial domination, stick to the free sites!

I will also point out that I’m not associated with any of these sites, other than maybe having a profile on them.

Finally, it should be noted that not all of these sites are dating sites, some of them are social networking sites. Even if you aren’t interested in online dating, you should sign up for at least one website, so that you can have a connection to the BDSM community and find out what’s going on locally and where to meet people.

With that said, let’s get to the list of websites!

• Fetlife is basically Facebook for kinky people. If you’re not a fan of online dating and can’t be bothered to check multiple sites or have multiple profiles, this is the one site you absolutely should join. It’s free, all you need is an email address. Free social networking, forums, event listings and lots of pictures to enjoy. A $5/month membership will allow you to watch the videos that others have posted.
• Collarspace similar to Fetlife, people either love or hate Collarspace (formerly CollarMe). It offers pretty much the same things that Fetlife does, but seems to be more of a meat market. There are a large number of ‘professionals’ on the site, but they’re generally easy to avoid.
• OKCupid is a dating site that is quite open about kink. They have questions that you can answer to determine if you ‘match’ with others on the site, and many of them include questions about BDSM. You can also indicate on your profile what you’re looking for kink-wise and many of the users know what you mean.
• Plenty of Fish is a traditional dating site, aimed mostly at the younger crowd. While it’s not kink specific, again you can mention BDSM in your profile and find kinky folks on the site.
• Alt.com is a pay/free site, so you can take advantage of the free portions (or pony up for a paid membership if you really want to). Fill out a detailed profile and spend some time in the chat rooms to find potential dates.
• BDSM Singles is a dedicated dating site for kinky people. It has both free and paid features and mostly caters to a US audience.

There are more, but I think you get the idea. Honestly, I would really only recommend signing up for Fetlife and OKCupid. They’re free, simple to use, have lots of members and should offer more than enough opportunities to get out and meet people. Keep in mind that dating isn’t a sure thing – you still have to put in the time and effort to build a kinky profile and talk to people.

Kinky online safety

Before we get to the actual building of our kinky profiles, let’s have a quick chat about safety. I’m going to assume that you have some basic internet safety skills, so you know not to post your phone number or other identifying information where it’s publicly available. Let’s talk about things that you may want to consider for kinky dating specifically.

• E-mail addresses can be traced back to your real identity. Consider creating a free email address that is just for kinky dating. Use this address to sign up for BDSM websites, mailing lists, to RSVP to parties and to give to potential dates if you want to chat through email.
• Photos can also be searched to discover your real identity. If you want to post photos on kinky sites like Fetlife, you may want to make sure they aren’t also posted on your Facebook profile or your online resume. Photos can be easily connected through a Google search, so if you want to keep your kink life private, use different photos.
• Pictures of you in the nude are generally acceptable on kink sites, and many people enjoy posting nudes. If you’re one of them, you may want to crop your face out of nude pics, so that you have plausible deniability if someone discovers your pictures.
• Names are also handled a bit differently in the BDSM world. Create a username that you don’t mind being called in person. Many kinky people don’t give out or use their real names in BDSM social settings to preserve their privacy. Your username basically becomes your nickname and that’s what your new friends call you until you feel comfortable enough to disclose your legal name. Oh, and unless you want to be found on other social media, pick a kinky profile name that is different than your other usernames!

We will go into detail about safety when meeting kinky people in a later instalment of Kinky Dating since we’re only just making our profiles now.

Okay, you have your kinky email address and you’ve signed up for the site of your choice. You have a kick-ass username — Wait. Let’s talk about that username for a minute.

What’s in a name?

I’ve mentioned that you will be known by said username if you decide to get out into the BDSM community, so you don’t really want it to be something totally embarrassing. Lord Emperor Huge Cock is a bit awkward for your new friends to say, so they’ll likely just avoid talking to you at all.

There are a few ‘rules’ about usernames on kinky profiles (which aren’t so much rules as the general feeling that people have expressed).

If you include a body part in your username, people will assume that’s the most interesting thing about you. So Lord Emperor Huge Cock, people will mostly just think you’re a big dick. Same for Submissive Perky Tits. You’re more than your body parts, so try to be a bit more original.

If you include a fetish in your username, many people will be put off by it. So ILoveSmellyFeet may not be the best choice. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule – I’ve known some people who are particularly skilled with a style of play use it in their name and not come off poorly.

If your username makes you sound desperate, you may want to put a bit more thought into it. Slave4U just says that you’re willing to submit to any dominant, not someone special. It makes dominants feel like they are interchangeable fetish dispensers, which is not a good thing!

Your username should describe you, but be suited for the role you want. MissFluffyKittens probably isn’t the best name for a hardcore sadist, although it could be rather amusing…

In the end, your kinky profile username is up to you. Do your best to find something that describes you and that won’t put others off. If it comes down to it, you can change your username on most platforms, but it’s best to start off on the right foot.

Profile pictures

Every profile needs at least one picture, and more is better. The content of those pictures should follow some pretty easy guidelines, whether you’re comfortable showing your face or not.

People understand that on a kink site, you may not want to show off your face pics. Just keep in mind that the alternative to a face shot is not a picture of your genitals. There is a whole bunch of body between those two things, that would make for a much better profile pic!

Your genitals should never appear as your avatar or main profile picture. Similarly, you should not have a gallery that is full of pictures of your genitals. If you really want to show them off, have one or two pics, but make sure that you have pictures of other things.

Don’t fill up your profile gallery with pictures of pornography, especially if you’re trying to attract women. It shows that you don’t respect rules since those pictures are generally under copyright. It’s also just off-putting. You should generally avoid memes and other stolen pics. Again, one or two aren’t usually deal breakers, but a gallery full of stolen pics or memes is a big turn off.

You don’t need BDSM play pics to put on your kinky profile, regular photos of you will do. Take some selfies, ask a friend to take a few phone pics, just make sure that you get a few pics of yourself on your profile. You’re looking to meet someone, they will want to know what you look like – physical attraction is definitely a thing in kinky dating (or in any kind of dating!)

Your role and other basic info

Next up, you will want to fill out what role you consider yourself to be. Sites like Fetlife offer a huge range of selection, up to and including vanilla. If you aren’t sure what your role is, you can choose “undecided”,

“evolving” or “kinkster”. It is generally a good idea to avoid roles like “Master” or “Mistress” when you’re first starting out since these imply experience and many people feel that they are earned titles.

You should also include your sexual/romantic orientation, age, location and other basic details that you are comfortable sharing on your kinky profile.

You also will want to indicate what you’re looking for – dating, events, friends, etc. You can include your relationship status, which you should be honest about. Kinky people are open-minded, so if you’re in an open or poly relationship, you need to be upfront about it. If you’re cheating, you probably won’t get a very good reception, since the BDSM community tends to put a lot of value on trust.

Next, it’s time to fill in your “about me” section, the part of writing any sort of kinky profile that everyone hates. It’s hard to write about ourselves, making it interesting without sounding like we are bragging. I’ve put together a quick list of things that you can think about including, to make the painful process a bit easier.

• Vanilla interests, hobbies and passions. What do you like to do when you’re not dressed in leather beating someone black and blue (or being beaten black and blue)? BDSM is only one part of our lives and we will spend much more time outside of the bedroom than in it. Including your outside interests on your kinky profile shows that you’re a whole person and someone who is interesting to talk to.
• Talk about TV shows or movies you enjoy, books you’ve found inspiring, music you love or other media that catches your eye.
• If you have any creative talents, it’s good to mention them. They’re great conversation starters and creative people often enjoy the company of other creative people.
• Expand on your kinky interests a bit. Talk about your experience (honestly!), what you’re into and what you have to offer a potential partner.
• Who are you looking for? You don’t want just a random warm body to dispense kinks, do you? I’m assuming if you’re taking the time to read this, you want a real person, so explain what qualities you’re looking for.
• What type or style of relationship are you looking for – 24/7, bedroom only, something else?

Basically, you should provide enough information that a potential partner can get a feel for who you are, what you’re looking for, what you offer and have enough to start a conversation. Do your best not to sound too mechanical, but no one is expecting world-class writing either.

Make sure you run your kinky profile through a spell and grammar check program, to catch any mistakes (it’s not foolproof, but it will make a difference). Consider having a friend read over your profile and give advice if you feel comfortable with that. Read your profile out loud to yourself. It’s a simple way to catch awkward sentences and other mistakes.

Profile mistakes

Finally, make sure you haven’t made any of these common kinky profile mistakes. We see these things often on social media and dating websites – especially ones that have a BDSM theme like Fetlife and Collarspace.

• Having genitals as an avatar – I know I’ve already written about this, but it happens so often and is such a turn-off!
• Having no photos – this is almost as bad as using your genitals. Find some sort of photo, whether it’s of you, something you enjoy, your dog, a picture you took while hiking last week…
• Having too many pictures of your genitals/asshole/breasts – we all understand that you’re really into butt sex, but we don’t need to see 100 pictures of you, bent over, holding your ass cheeks open for the camera. I’m not even sure we needed to see one picture like that. If you do want to show off your body – and there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to – don’t go overboard.
• Having 100 selfies, all at slightly different angles – while I’m happy that you’re posting pictures of yourself, posting a non-stop stream of selfies may not be the best idea. I’ve seen profiles where it looked like the person posted the same picture 20 or 30 times until you looked closely and saw that the camera angle was slightly different for each one.
• Badly chosen usernames – don’t be crude in your username. It’s best not to come off sounding too arrogant with lots of titles. Don’t lead with your fetish.
• Sites like Fetlife will show all of your site activity on your kinky profile feed. Be aware that everyone can see the crass comments that you’ve left on people’s pictures or the snarky thing you said to someone in a discussion.
• On social media oriented sites, joining groups or forums is a great way to meet people – but it also says a lot about you. If you’re a male submissive looking for a female dominant, joining a dozen groups dedicated to “women as slaves” is probably not going to help you – and those female dominants will notice it when they look at your group list!