Kinky in a Vanilla Relationship?
I’m having a hard time finding a kinky relationship, so I’m wondering if it’s possible for kinky people to be in vanilla relationships and have it work out long term? I’m starting to think that I will never find a girlfriend that is into BDSM and interested in having a long term relationship with me.
What do you think??
Kink vs Vanilla Relationship
While I’m entirely unsure about your specific prospects of finding that special person, I do think that with patience and perseverance, it is possible for most of us to find a relationship that we are happy in. You can find tips for kinky dating in my series on the subject.
How important is kink for you?
Personally, I think it depends on how important kink is to you, but overall my answer would be no, a kinky person is not going to be happy in a vanilla relationship.
If you are like me and feel that kink is a part of your sexual/romantic identity, then why even consider a vanilla relationship? I know from experience that I am unhappy in relationships where I do not have authority. I know that I very quickly lose interest in sex that doesn’t involve some SM play or power exchange (to the point I would rather not have sex at all). I also know, through talking to many kinky friends, that I am not alone in thinking or feeling this way. Being kinky is an important part of who I am in a relationship, so any attempt at ‘going vanilla’ is going to fail for me an people like me.
If you are a person who enjoys a little SM play when the mood is right but don’t feel the need for 24/7 power exchange or you enjoy vanilla sex and don’t get bored – then you may be able to pull off a vanilla relationship. You may even be able to talk your vanilla partner into trying some ‘light kink’ to satisfy those urges. Since books/movies like 50 Shades of Grey are so popular at the moment, many vanilla folks are willing to try a bit of light bondage or spanking in the bedroom.
Denial can create stronger cravings
However, keep in mind that when we are denied a thing, we often crave it even more. Ever been on a diet? I know when I try to eat healthily, I suddenly get cravings for sweet things (or other assorted junk foods) – even ones I don’t really like! When we deny ourselves something, it makes us even more aware of it, makes us crave that forbidden fruit. Being in a vanilla relationship can set up kink as the forbidden fruit that we crave.
In my many years of being a professional Dominant, I have seen hundreds of clients who were in vanilla relationships but needed to satisfy their kinky urges. This often took the form of simply serving my needs for an hour every so often; cleaning my home or pampering my feet. More often it was a craving for pain or a deep need for degrading acts.
Don’t think that if you’re a Dominant/Top that you would be able to avoid these urges. I worked with many professional submissives over the years who were never lacking in clientele either.
Time to reflect on who you are
Ultimately, you need to sit down and do some soul-searching. Decide how important BDSM is to you – and be brutally honest with yourself. Don’t try to convince yourself you can live without it if you can’t. You don’t want to be writing to me 5 years from now asking how you can convert your vanilla partner or if it’s ethically okay to get your kinky needs met outside of your relationship.
It is okay to need BDSM as a part of a relationship. It is also okay to not need BDSM. Dating and relationships, like anything else worth doing in life, take hard work.
Have Kinky Questions?
Submit your questions to Morgan!