Hi Ms. Morgan, love your YT videos and am subscribed. Question: is there an older woman fetish in bdsm? I’m in my 50’s and would like to go to a “Munch” but feel that maybe I won’t find any play partners cause the image is always: “beautiful, young thangs”. Thanks! 🙂 – Kaitlyn
Thanks! Glad you’re enjoying them. As for your question, you have nothing to worry about, people of all ages are welcomed in the kink community. You will not be out of place as an older woman at all. In fact, there’s a good chance you will be in the majority.
For a very long time, the kink community was run by and comprised of predominately ‘older’ people. It wasn’t uncommon for people to only have the ability or desire to explore their kinky urges once they had matured and had the freedom to do so. This typically meant when their kids were grown and they could more easily get out on a Friday or Saturday night.
A Bit of History…
When I first started out in BDSM, I was unusual because I was so young. I had the same complaint that many other younger people have – mainly that everyone was so much older than I was!
More young people are able to explore kink now because our world has changed. The internet was in its infancy when I first started exploring, now it’s such a part of our everyday lives that many of us are lost if we can’t get a wifi signal. This alone has meant that kink communities have changed, become more open and welcoming to all kinds of people. It used to be that you had to be “in the know” to find play parties, now you just need to log onto the internet and you can find a group of like-minded people.
When these young people started to come out and join our communities, they found a lot of “older” people – remember being young and thinking that anyone over the age of 30 was ancient? When they arrived, a few things happened.
First, the young people didn’t always feel welcome. They showed up and some of us older kinksters weren’t all that welcoming. We told them they didn’t have the experience to be really kinky, or that they couldn’t possibly know who (or what role) they were.
Second, some of our less savoury community members took the opportunity to take advantage of young people who didn’t know any better. They made advances, many of which were unwelcome, and generally made the young people feel uncomfortable.
So the young folks did what anyone would do under these circumstances – they created their own communities. The Next Generation (TNG) was created to give a more comfortable space to people from 18 (21 in some areas) to 30 or 35 (depending on the group).
These groups tend to get promoted heavily when people ask about being new because so many of our newer community members fit that demographic. However, the general composition of BDSM communities covers a very wide range of ages.
Demographics (Sort Of)
As with many social groups, we get people who have the ability to get out on a weekend (or weeknight, for munches). There is a higher concentration of both people in their early 20’s (who are in school, or getting started in their careers) as well as people over 35 or so. There seem to be fewer people in their late 20’s and early 30’s simply because they have other priorities – they come out when they can, but there are fewer than other age groups.
Probably the largest age group that I’ve seen in many communities (and they will all be different) is people in their 40’s and 50’s. Of course, there are people much older – I just met a charming lady at a munch who reminded me of my grandmother, except that she was having trouble sitting down due to how hard she had been playing the previous weekend!
Age & Desirability
I would be lying if I didn’t say that some people spend a lot of time and energy lusting after those “beautiful, young thangs”. We live in a youth-obsessed culture and that influences all of us – I mean, we are having a conversation about whether a woman is desirable once she hits her 50’s, after all.
Things can be a bit reversed in the kink community. Experience is highly valued in BDSM. It’s pretty obvious why one would want an experienced dom or top, but even submissives tend to be valued for their experience. I know I prefer a partner who knows who they are and what they want. Age and experience often go together, so age becomes more desirable in the community.
Even if you are in that “older” group, and don’t have experience, it’s still not a big deal. Skills can be learned and desires discovered, but life experience is something you have to earn. The idea that a person knows themselves, even if they haven’t tried it all yet, is highly prized in kink communities.
An Older Woman Fetish – Cougars & Cubs
There is a subset of people who really like older women – a lot. Any woman over the age of 30 will probably be approached by men young enough to be her children (and quite often younger than her children – if she has any – as she gets older). While it doesn’t quite fit the strict definition of a fetish, the cougar and cub “kink” is pretty common, even in vanilla society.
Of course, it’s not just men who like older women, many lesbian/bi/pansexual women prefer an older partner too – the cougar and cub kink is alive and well in the LGBTQIA community too!
I think we are all familiar with the MILF genre of porn, which routinely ranks in the top 3 of popular porn searches. There seems to be more to the MILF category than just age, but it does show that an older woman can be very sexy to the right person – and there seem to be a lot of those people.
I look young for my age but I am often approached by men in their early 20’s with an older woman fetish. For me, it’s a mixed bag of feelings; I’m not that old but they are that young; it feels icky to be objectified in general and being objectified for my age sucks too; it does feel nice sometimes, to know that I still have it though!
My current partner is 12 years my junior and admits to preferring older women. It’s fairly common with submissive people in general to prefer older partners. There are quite a few dominants who like an older submissive partner as well, it’s not as common but it’s also not unheard of.
Age & Partners
When it comes down to it, age is just one factor when it comes to compatibility. Whether you’re looking for a partner similar in age, older or younger, you will find a lot of variety and options in the BDSM community. At 50ish, you certainly won’t be out of place at all.
If you do go out, especially if you go to play parties, you will find a lot of other women in your age group who are having a great time, playing with others and generally embracing their sexuality and/or kink identity.
Basically, don’t let your age keep you from going out and enjoying yourself!
Side note: I found it interesting that when I was looking for stock photos to use for this article, I had a hard time finding pictures of women over 50. When I typed in “sexy senior woman” I got lots of pictures of older men and younger women. When I typed “sexy older woman” I got women in their 30s. Just thought my readers might find this interesting!
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