I’m really just looking for a few pointers and tips, I guess. Recently my boyfriend asked me to be more dominate in bed and to my surprise I quite enjoyed it. The thing is, I’m kind of out of ideas. He likes more of the verbal humiliation and being degraded but will take a little physical punishment. I guess I’m just asking how you verbally degraded your subs. Thank you, again, it’s good to have someone to talk to 🙂
Before I answer this question, a few points to clarify. Verbal humiliation and degradation are kinks that some people are into but they don’t go hand in hand with being dominant. Domination is about being in control, having the authority. What it sounds like you are asking about are topping activities – which can be lots of fun!
I will say upfront, that verbal humiliation is a soft limit of mine (yes, dominants get limits too!), so there are probably better people to ask about the specifics there. I can give some general advice on the subject though (and I do enjoy situational or physical humiliation, so there’s that).
Verbal humiliation can be hard, especially with someone you’re intimately involved with and care about. We are taught from a young age that “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” it can be hard to overcome that.
Many people who are into verbal humiliation will have one or more keywords or phrases that trigger them. It helps make them feel submissive, turns them on, whatever.
Having a specific phrase or word seems to be more common to men, while women will have a theme, but not a specific word, that tends to turn them on. For instance, a man I played with a long time ago really liked the phrase “breathe deep on the ether” (we did knockout roleplay), while many women I’ve played with like the idea of being slutty, so any word that evoked that feeling worked – slut, fuck toy, holes, etc. It’s a huge generalization, and won’t hold true for everyone, but it’s something I’ve found plays out more often than not for people in general.
The best way to find out what these are is to ask. Make it part of your negotiations before play. Also, pay attention to what they say during play – if they’re saying “I’m a filthy little slut” you can be pretty certain that those words turn them on.
I’ve spoken before about how I really don’t like feminization or using female terms as degrading ones during play, but it is a pretty common turn on for many men and male-identified people. If you are comfortable with this sort of play, go for it. Calling them a bitch, sissy, pussy, etc. is a huge turn on for many. If you’re fucking them with a strapon (or threatening their nether regions with a huge dildo) saying things like “I’m going to fuck your ass cunt” or similar can be a huge turn on. Again, not stuff I feel comfortable indulging, but I’m not the kink police (and I’m sure lots of you out there are happy about that! LOL)
Small Penis Humiliation (SPH)
One interesting aspect of humiliation, when it comes to men, is small penis humiliation (SPH). It’s surprisingly common, hence the acronym. It always makes me laugh when guys who are well endowed want me to berate them for the ‘tiny’ size of their cock. SPH sounds like “that cock is so fucking small, you will never satisfy a woman” “How do you even jerk off? I need tweezers to grab that thing”. Feel free to bring out the props, like magnifying glasses and such. Of course, make sure he’s into this before doing it, as many men have some serious insecurities about their penis size.
Infantilization & Intelligence
Some people like being verbally humiliated by being treated like children, separate from or sometimes in conjunction with the ABDL (Adult Baby, Diaper Lover) kink. Sarcastic baby talk works in these situations. One of my favourites is “Aww….you just can’t stop touching your pee pee” followed by corrective action.
Some like when you insult their intelligence. But it gets boring if you’re just calling them an idiot – you have to get creative with your verbal humiliation! Play games where they get a choice – When they disobey an order “Are you stupid or just a moron?” Make them answer.
Those are a few examples. Humiliation is used to make them feel small and you seem more powerful. Whatever method you use, just remember you are superior in every way. If they’re physically strong, they are mentally weak and need you to tell them what to do – they would be lost without you!
You can go into Female/Male Supremacy – basically, women/men are better at everything because we/they are smarter, more cunning. etc. Of course, like the other things I’ve mentioned, this is about fantasy – we all know that neither sex or gender is superior (and that it’s not a binary anyway!).
To heighten humiliation, threaten exposure (just make sure that there is enough trust between you that he knows you won’t actually tell their boss/mother/friends/the internet – at least not without consent!).
Often the threat of exposure alone is enough to get them going. Many people would not want others to know that they are kinky. Some may feel shame about their desire to be submissive or to bottom. Others have a lot of hang-ups around sex in general. While these attitudes aren’t always healthy, they can be exploited for fun (and it may even help them be more comfortable in their desires over time).
Physical & Situational Humiliation
I mentioned earlier that I’m more into physical humiliation or situational humiliation. I’ve done some horrible stuff to people but I don’t like insulting them. I’m weird, I know.
Examples of what I’m talking about is putting a person in a diaper and force-feeding them water until they need to pee. Then tickling them and refusing to let them go to the bathroom. They had the choice to hold it or use the diaper. A particularly gross (but very enjoyable) one was giving a lovely gentleman an enema, making him hold it while wearing a diaper. We went to a nearby coffee shop where I sat and ate a chocolate cream filled donut by dipping my fingers into it. I’ve never seen anyone turn so red!
Get creative. Find what they like (or hate) and use it. This is one of those times I always like to have a safe word in place. Verbal humiliation (or any type of humiliation) and degradation are basically emotional sadism. You’re playing with their most deep-seated fears about themselves, so it’s wise to always have a safe word to stop the play if needed. Like anything else, start small and work your way up.
In the end, it really comes down to having open and honest communication before you do any of this stuff. Humiliation and/or degradation kinks can be a lot of fun, but they can also uncover hidden land mines in the psyche. Make sure everyone involved is very clear on what areas are off limits and what is okay to say or do.
If you do hit one of those emotional landmines. it’s good to have an idea of what to do. Have a plan in place ahead of time but understand that in the moment, the person may feel they have different needs. They may want to be comforted or reassured by the top, but they may also need some time alone to process their feelings. Unfortunately, this is one of those things that can really only be learned through trial and error. That doesn’t stop us from making educated guesses about what we may need, though.
Also be sure to discuss aftercare. This is one of those situations where the top may need as much or more aftercare than the bottom. It’s good to take some time to reconnect and reassure each other. The top may need hugs and to know that it was an enjoyable scene. The bottom may need reassurance that the top really doesn’t think those awful things about them. If you’re new or exploring a new area of humiliation, plan for some aftercare. If you find you don’t need it, great. It’s just better to be safe than sorry.